Ex-pat dreamin' [Like You Know Whatever]

Hi friendos,

How are you?? I hope you’re not sick. It feels like everybody has Covid right now. Speaking of which, I am in much better health than I was when I wrote my last newsletter, thank goodness. You might think that now that I have super immunity I must be going buckwild, hitting der clerbs, partying it up, but instead I’ve actually been feeling mildly agoraphobic. So far the only social thing that I’ve done was have a girls’ day with one friend last Saturday that, admittedly, was pretty epic (it started with the beach and ended with an adult sleepover because fuck if I was going to drive back to Highland Park from Santa Monica after I dunno how many Kona hard seltzers).

Photo by Tommaso Teloni on Unsplash

I am, as ever, disgusted and horrified by the violent, racist terrorist attacks that have taken place in my country recently. It feels like we are living through especially dark times. I know that the whole pandemic has been dark, but this new phase, where we pretend it isn’t happening while it is very much still happening? Where everyone is too numb and broken to even react to horrible things anymore? I don’t care for it, thank you!!!

One thing my friend and I were talking about during our girl hang last weekend was moving to a different country (*~*jUsT gIrLy tHiNgS, lOl*~*). If you live outside of the U.S., please know that we’re not all blindly patriotic robots. Most of us understand that our country has massive problems. Many of us do, in fact, seriously consider leaving. I feel like so many of the responses I hear online whenever anything comes up about American healthcare (/lack thereof) or gun control (/nonexistence thereof) are basically, “How can anyone live there?” I get it, I really do.

All I can say is that, personally, moving to another country for more than a year or two would be a last resort for me. I have been privileged to have had the brief experience of living in another country, when I studied abroad in Prague fall semester of my junior year in college. That was an incredible experience, and I totally get that it wasn’t “real” in a lot of ways (I was a film student, which is clearly not a real person), but I know that I did NOT like living in a different country from virtually all my family and friends. The time difference made it really difficult to even call them, let alone visit. I live across the country from almost all of my family and about half of my friends, and that’s far enough for me.

Besides, I LOVE living in Los Angeles. The weather is vacation-worthy! The mountains are beautiful! The food is incredible! The entertainment industry… exists here. But the weather!!! I’ve really come to appreciate it in a new way during Covid–we can eat and do things outside pretty much all year ‘round. Plus, on a macro level, I generally am happy with the laws and ordinances that govern my state and city (oh boy, what a dorky-ass thing to say. Am I going to regret saying that immediately??). I mean to say that despite alllll of their problems, L.A. and California are pretty progressive, and so am I, and that’s very important to me. I grew up in a very conservative area of NJ, where my beliefs did not align with most of my peers, and I worked really hard to get the fuck away from there. I deeply admire anyone who is fighting to flip a red area blue, but I also believe in pursuing your own happiness. And look at all the hipsters who moved to Austin thinking they were going to be in a liberal bubble, who are now getting fucked by these evil policies Texas is enacting as a state. Just… you have to be really careful where you choose to live in the U.S., because some parts feel like a completely different country from others.

Photo by izayah ramos on Unsplash

I just try to think about the other options out there for my husband and I in terms of countries, and I don’t know. We’re not fluent in any other languages. The U.K. would probably be our best bet, since my husband has family there, but–and I know this is going to make me sound like the world’s biggest baby–after living in Los Angeles, I don’t think I could handle the weather. I looked it up, L.A. gets approximately 3246 hours of sunshine a year, while London gets 1481. That’s LESS THAN HALF. A bitch has seasonal depression, and depression kills. Same issue with Canada–I’m pretty sure there isn’t a province up there that can match L.A.’s consistent 70-degrees-and-sunny weather. And Australia? I would love to visit, but living a 22-hour flight from my parents would be wildly unsustainable. Plus, y’all didn’t legalize same-sex marriage until like, way after the rest of us (and the U.S. was late enough on that as it was). What’s up with that?

But then again, more and more it feels like we’re on a sinking ship, and if the ship is going down, are we really just going to go down with it? This is our LIFE. And what are the odds of us finding a floating door and getting rescued by a lifeboat, and being the old lady who drops the necklace into the ocean at the end? (Okay, now I’m just thinking about Titanic. And “Oops, I Did It Again.”)

I don’t know, friends. If you live in a sane country and have a job for a snarky feminist comedy writer that comes with a visa, won’t you let me know? It’s always good to have options.

Okay, that’s enough of that. I have a lot of stuff to talk about today, so let’s git goin’. Here are Some Things:

• Friends, I found the most unhinged Barefoot Contessa recipe I’ve ever read in my life, for her Overnight Mac and Cheese. Now, I lovvveeee me some mac and cheese, but dragging the process out over two days when it normally takes like an hour? Using an unholy THREE CUPS of heavy cream?!?! Honey, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. This recipe is from 2020, and look, we were all going through some shit then, so I have sympathy, but it is frankly godless, and I will not apologize for saying so. I think she was trying to make more of these make-ahead recipes at the time, but sometimes that just overcomplicates things and creates more work than makes sense. Then again, this person made it and said it was “one of the best things” she served at Thanksgiving, so who am I to judge?

  

  Photo by Chris Wormhoudt on Unsplash

• Chris & Jack sketch videos. Probably my favorite thing that I’ve gotten to do at my new job so far is schedule some sketch videos that we licensed from Chris & Jack, an incredibly talented sketch duo whose videos have crazy-high production values. They do not have nearly enough YouTube subscribers for the quality of videos they do, so please subscribe to their page! They tend to take on tropes from action and sci-fi movies, and they also invented a new holiday (July sixth Park, AKA a day devoted to Jurassic Park). Their short film “Movies in Space” is probably my favorite comedy thing that I’ve seen this year (I KNOW it’s 15 minutes long, but trust me, you’ll get sucked in, and it’s so good). Definitely check them out!
  

• Taco Update! I made Korean beef tacos with this gochujang-marinated ground beef mix that Imperfect Foods had, topped with Sriracha sour cream and kimchi, and they were sooo delicious! Here’s a recipe that’s pretty similar to what they ended up being. The only problem is that now I have all this leftover kimchi, so what should I make with that? LMK in the comments. And then on Tuesday of this week, I made steak fajitas with these marinated skirt steak strips, also from Imperfect Foods, and they were so tasty and so easy to make! Man, fajitas are truly the perfect weeknight meal, they come together so quickly.
  
  My go-to side for these meals is usually a broccoli and kale Caesar salad. I know you might be like, “A Caesar salad? With Mexican food?” but Salazar has one on their menu, and that’s good enough for me. I like to add raw broccoli to a kale Caesar to add bulk and crunch, and I usually use Newman’s Own Caesar dressing, but I’m open to recommendations on that as well. My only problem is that I often cannot stop eating croutons out of the bag while I cook.
  
  

• A Parade update. Folks, you may recall that in my February 11th newsletter, I reviewed some underwear and a bralette that I’d recently bought from Parade… and it was not a very positive review. In fact, I gave the brand a C- rating overall. Well, I have to say that after several months of wear, I must admit that I actually love these products! Okay, so, I haven’t touched the bralette since, but the underwear is great! It’s super comfy and doesn’t ride up. They’re the first pairs that I go to right after I do laundry, AKA the cream of the crop. In fact, I recently ordered some more! Plus, their commitment to sustainability and supporting great causes like the Loveland Foundation means it feels good to support this brand. I am upgrading my Parade rating to a whole B+! Look, sometimes I get it wrong, and I’m woman enough to admit that. #brave
  

  

• Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton books. After enjoying this past season of Bridgerton so much, I just couldn’t get enough of those Regency era romantic adventures, so I raced through book #3 in the series, An Offer from a Gentleman, and am now admittedly plodding a bit through book #4, Romancing Mister Bridgerton. Book #3 was about Benedict’s romantic journey, so I assumed that’s what the third season was going to be about, but Netflix recently announced that it’s actually going to take inspiration from book #4, about Colin and Penelope. Whatever–the point is, read the books if you want a head start on the next season(s)! They’re delightful! I have to say, though, they really do emphasize the cultiness of the Bridgerton family–the Bridgertons are so obsessed with being Bridgertons, and everyone in town (I’m sorry, the ton) is obsessed with them! If you’ve read the books, which one was your favorite?
  
  

• Sam Edelman shoes. This is going to be a bourghie rec, so I apologize, but if you’re on board with paying $100 or more for a good quality pair of women’s shoes, Sam Edelman makes my absolute favorite ones. When I used to live in walk-everywhere Brooklyn, I chewed through shoes like nobody’s business. It probably didn’t help that I could only afford cheap ones, too, since I was broke all the time. Now that I drive a lot more, shoes last me for years, so I try to get decent ones. Sam Edelman’s are stylish in a timeless, effortless way and are soo comfy. My feet are kind of wide and I’m a little bit in denial about their size (I’m a 10 but maybe secretly a 10.5 but I will never admit it because it’s hard enough to find size 10 shoes as it is), and they always fit me great.
  
  I own two pairs of his Daniella block heel sandals, one in black and one in metallic silver, which I almost exclusively wear to weddings. The block heel makes them perfect for dancing/standing around/elbowing other people out of the way of the passed apps. I’m also a big fan of the classic Felicia ballet flats, and just this week I started breaking in a brand new pair of Michaela Mary Janes. I’m really feeling the adult Mary Jane trend. Like I said, these shoes are a little pricey, so I’m not buying a new pair every month, but in my opinion, they’re well worth the price tag.
  
  

• Apple Watches. While we’re talking about expensive shit, I might as well ask: do you own an Apple Watch? What do you think of it? Also, which size did you get (41mm or 45mm?) and what kind of band is best? I’m thinking seriously about getting one so that I can focus on my health a little bit more (or at all, lol), but since they are NOT cheap, I want to make sure I get the right kind! Leave me a note in the comments or hit reply, please!
  
  

• Hey! Did you know that as of today exactly, it has been eight years since I first started writing these email newsletters? I’m talking about my TinyLetter, of course, from which I migrated to Substack a couple months ago. The first TL was sent out on May 20, 2014, to a whopping 15 people. Here’s an excerpt!

II. Graduation Day

Recently I read a commencement speech from an all women's college where the speaker said something like, "It's an honor to be here among such strong, beautiful women." Why do we always feel the need to include "beautiful" when praising women? I've heard female comedians introduced as, "the hilarious and beautiful ________." Can you imagine someone introducing a male comedian as "the hilarious and handsome ________?" It's something I just started noticing recently and now it bothers me all the time. Let's cut that crap out.

Speaking of commencement speeches, feel free to read the transcript of the speech from my graduation five years ago. [2022 note: link is now broken.] Warning: IT WAS TERRIBLE. Look how long that fucker is! Now imagine it's about 105 degrees in the mid-day sun and everyone is hungover and confused as to why this dude has been talking about infected placenta for 45 minutes. I respect the hell out of Doctors Without Borders's work, but this dude obviously just took one of his "here's what we do" fundraising speeches and tacked "congrats" onto the beginning and ending.

To this day, I don't know what he was thinking. It almost felt like he was MAD at us. "Fuck you, Vassar grads, you privileged pieces of shit! If I have to be here in the industrialized world, I'm going to pole dance as hard as I can for your parents' dollars." Except that that dude went to Yale, so that couldn't have been it.

I realize now that that moment was the first ray of light in the dawning on me that nobody really gives a shit about you when you're an adult. For me, graduation day was a huge destabilizing event peppered with anxiety and cosmic dread, not to mention that I'd just started dating someone I was crazy about and wasn't sure we'd survive the post-grad transition to long-distance (we have). That day felt like a HUGE MOMENT when the abyss was opening up, and I was really hoping someone would say something to make me feel like I was going to be okay and find a way to walk on my little baby deer legs. And then suddenly we're talking about parasites and the crowd is gasping in disgust in unison.

Also, as someone who spends much of her time struggling to write things... I'm sorry, but how hard is it to write a mediocre commencement speech? I know a good one is hard, but it doesn't take much to get the job done. Blah blah blah, what a great institution, so happy to be here, blah blah, self-deprecating anecdote about your early twenties, blah blah blah, go for your dreams, it'll all work out, blah blah, congrats. And try to keep it under ten minutes. I know because I kept looking at my watch: my graduation speech took nearly an HOUR to get through. Jesus Christ.

But you know what? Everyone remembers it and still talks about it, five years later. It's the one thing I can agree on with all of my friends' parents: gosh, wasn't that speech horrible? And it was so HOT. So hot.

Okay, that’s plenty out of me, past and present!

Don’t forget to like, comment, and share this newsletter if you’d like–you can use the buttons at the bottom or the top.

Until next time—invest in good shoes, America.

Love,

Liz

XOXO